I’m trying to pinpoint when it became acceptable—encouraged, even—to criticize other women.

To judge them for embracing their femininity. To reprimand and shame them for showing off their physical attributes in a manner we more modest types might never do ourselves. Or to discourage them from having light-hearted fun before they enter the “real world.”

I’m referring to the controversy surrounding the University of Alabama Alpha Phi sorority recruitment video that’s been circulating since last week.

I’m not going to stand on my political soapbox regarding the “war on women,” but I think it’s safe to say that most women are tired of being told we have to act or behave a certain way in order to be taken seriously.

What I’m really here to talk about is the judgment from other women.

The most negative and vitriolic opinion piece I’ve read concerning the video has come from a woman (A.L. Bailey, who has since apologized).

In her words:

It’s all so racially and aesthetically homogeneous and forced, so hyper-feminine, so reductive and objectifying, so Stepford Wives: College Edition. It’s all so … unempowering.

What gives?

Although I don’t like labels, I’d say, at my core, I’m a feminist. I am grateful for the women before me who have overcome obstacles—voting rights, sexual discrimination, the (lingering) pay gap, etc. I realize we’ve come a long way and that women are still treated as second-class citizens (at best) in other countries.

But I don’t think these achievements—and the efforts to gain greater equality and respect—mean we give up our femininity. Or that we have the right to tear apart women.

This may shock some people, but women can be (and are!) both intelligent/hard-working/philanthropic/creative/etc. and beautiful/charming/feminine/etc. The either-or dichotomy is foolish.

I was a member of a women’s fraternity during college. We were a relatively new chapter, so we didn’t have much of a reputation when I joined.

We certainly didn’t walk to class in our bikinis or spend every hour together, holding hands and blowing kisses.

Glitter was reserved for art projects—making signs for campus events or decorating cards for the children we supported with our philanthropy.

We often held the highest cumulative GPA on campus—and now our alumnae have begun successful careers and are raising beautiful families.

But you know what? We had silly inside jokes. We learned etiquette from an advisor who loved beautiful things (she just recently passed—RIP <3). We attended Founders’ Day teas, dressed up in gowns for our annual formal, participated in other Panhellenic events, and enjoyed all of the less-serious but equally-important aspects of sisterhood.

The same aspects these young women in Alpha Phi were advertising in their YouTube video.

Although I respect my sorority’s commitment to education and philanthropy and “doing good,” many of the reasons I joined were social.

//via//

I wanted to belong to a diverse group of intelligent, caring, talented, funny, beautiful, and inspiring women with whom I quickly forged a common bond—a sisterhood. I wanted to go to parties and participate in campus life.

I have a sneaky suspicion that the thousands of girls who saw this recruitment video desired the same things.

If I have one genuine criticism for this Alpha Phi chapter, it would be a lack of diversity (there is some disappointing and questionable history at the University of Alabama regarding racism among Greek organizations). I agree the video presents a homogenous, “pretty white girl” image, yet I know there are more diverse organizations out there.

Alpha Phi ladies, keep doing what you’re doing. Nobody has the right to bash you relentlessly over the internet. You don’t owe anybody—man or woman—an apology, and you’re not any less intelligent or capable because you’re also beautiful and feminine. Continue showing the fun aspects of sisterhood to your potential new members, but do not sell yourselves short by failing to highlight your academic and philanthropic achievements.

//via//

Fellow women, we should support one another. Donald Trump calling a woman a pig or insinuating Megyn Kelly’s assertiveness is due to her period is absolutely not the same as choosing to wear a bikini or makeup to enhance one’s appearance.

One is disrespect; the other is choice.

You can choose to join a sorority and choose to become a doctor. You can flirt and run a successful company. You can play dress up and defend your country.

There are many facets to womanhood—no double standards are necessary.

[linking up for thinking out loud]