Can I tell you guys a secret (promise you won’t judge)?
Going back to work after the birth of my son wasn’t as scary and heart-breaking as I’d imagined it would be.
I must be a monster. 😉
Of course I have emotional days and have dealt with my fair share of challenges, but when I think back to the loneliness and anxiety I felt during my maternity leave, I realize that—even though I don’t have a choice at the moment (our finances dictate that I work)—being a working mom is good for me.
And I think it’s good for Bazooka, too.
Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely cherished those 12 weeks and the bonding and the snuggles and the smiles—but there were times where I felt absolutely trapped in my own home.
I feel like, no matter what a mother chooses (100% stay at home, working part-time, working from home, or full-time climbing the corporate ladder…), there are going to be comparisons, doubt, and that dreaded “g-word,” guilt.
We are judged if we don’t contribute financially, and yet we are looked down upon if we only see our children a few hours a day.
Our kids will fall behind if we are not home to teach them their ABCs and 123s, and yet, if we don’t let them spend some time in daycare, they’ll lack social skills and become too attached and needy.
If we go back to work before our children are in pre-school, we’re being selfish, yet if we do spend 24 hours nurturing and keeping up the home, we somehow have it “too easy.”
We just can’t win—and sadly, a lot of this judgment comes, not from men, but from other mothers!
//via//
Do I sometimes wish my circumstances were different, allowing me to choose if I wanted to stay at home or work only part-time? Absolutely. Not having a real choice has been the toughest part of this.
But then sometimes I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. Although my passion is in writing and sharing with others, I enjoy my job and like to think I’m a valuable asset to the company I’ve been a part of for 8 years! I also think there’s a lot my son can learn from his working mom.
My job provides affordable health insurance for my son and me. It gives me the opportunity to take time for myself and realize how much I cherish the moments I do spend with my son.
My job literally helps to build and transform things (indirectly, but still). And it gives me yet another purpose in this world (not that “mommy” and “wife” aren’t purpose enough).
Yes, there are days I wish I could sleep in (who am I kidding—SAHMs don’t sleep in!) or schedule a mid-day play date. I’d love more time to read to Bazooka and teach him things, and I often wish I could spend hours organizing my home, cooking, hitting the gym, or catching up with a friend over coffee.
And yet I know deep down that play dates and “me time” would be few and far between, and that my real day-to-day would make me anxious and envious of working moms.
Maybe all this thinking out loud is a pep-talk to myself, but I want it to be a message to other moms, too. Keep doing the best you can! You must take care of yourselves in order to take care of your families, and just because the grass may seem greener on the other side, there will always be weeds to pull and leaves to rake before the garden blooms.
No matter what, your child will grow and learn and feel loved. You are smart (even if you’re not currently using your degree!), you are irreplaceable (in all of your roles), and you are exactly what your family needs you to be.
Remember that the next time you’re on the receiving end of a smug comment or feel like you’re all alone in this.
- Everyone—did your mother stay at home with you or work outside the home?
- Moms—do you ever wish your situation was different?
- Moms—what’s the best part about staying home or working?
Love that you touched on this. Although I didn’t go back to work, I feel like I really understand this. I think that if I went into the postpartum/newborn phase knowing I was going back, it would have been bittersweet for sure but I think going back to work would have really signaled that I’m “me” again. Since I stayed home, it took so much more work to get back to a state of “me” that I’m used to. Working out is really the only thing that has helped me feel a return to normal. I’ve honestly felt so lost since the shift of becoming a mom and going from working 40 hours a week and wearing nice clothes to staying home ALL day sometimes and wearing yoga pants.
My mom and my husband’s mom stayed home so that was a big influencing factor into why I stayed home too. I also just didn’t have a career I loved and was moving as soon as my maternity leave would have been up anyway, so returning didn’t make sense, despite finances. The best thing about staying home is that I get to take care of her and know her level of care, but at sometimes that’s the worst thing too because I put a lot of pressure on myself to take care of her better.
I imagine I would’ve been the same way if I’d not gone back to work. Three months of maternity leave, and I was still struggling and barely left the house. I feel like, no matter what, there will always be feelings of “maybe I could…” or “what if I…”
My mom also stayed home with me, and my husband’s did until he was in preschool. I’m grateful I had that bond with my mom, but sometimes I wonder if I would’ve done better in daycare (I was super shy as a child and am still fairly reserved).
I agree that caring for/being 100% aware of Luca’s care would be the biggest benefit. Luckily my mom watched him till she broke her foot – and then we found a great, small church-based daycare I’m comfortable with.
No kids here yet, but my Mom stayed home with my brother & I. She worked odd part time jobs once we were in school. But staying home was never her intent. She was a lawyer on partner track, but said once we were born everything changed. Hard to know how things might be different if she had gone back to work, good or bad.
It’s crossed my mind if I might make a similar decision. Honestly, I don’t know. I guess I know whatever I decide my mind could change in an instant. There’s no right answer. But I do agree it seems like most of the guilt comes from other moms on the other side of the fence. Which is a shame. Keep up the hard work Mommas!
My mom stayed home with me, too, but her previous jobs weren’t quite like that. I bet it was tough for her!
You’re so right that our minds can instantly change and there’s no right answer. I’ve waivers back and forth, but ultimately finances made the choice for me.
Thanks for weighing in 🙂
I didn’t go back to work after my son was born, and that was pretty much always the plan, and I can still appreciate this post. There is definitely guilt related to both sides and so, so much judgement, even if that judgement is silent or perceived. My mom stayed home with us until we were much older, and my husband’s mom stayed home in the early years, but his dad was also often at home when his mom went back to work full time. His sister is also a SAHM and has been for 15 years! Sometimes I wonder if I would be a better parent/wife/person if I returned to work…most weeks I just want a mid-week break for a few hours, that’s all! Haha!
My mom didn’t work until I was in high school, and on one hand, I thought I’d be the same but it just hasn’t turned out that way. I have so much respect for SAHMs because it’s so much work. Totally worth it, but you guys don’t get a break!
My mom always worked. It helped that she was a teacher and had summers off, but I am unfamiliar with the at-home mom. Summers were fun though!
Obviously we change so much, but right now I couldn’t see myself wanting to stay at home. I crave adult connection and I don’t really care for the perks of being a SAHM, like being able to clean the house (LOL). I totally respect both decisions and see the challenges and rewards of both! Like said above, there is no “right” answer.
I think being a teacher would be the best of both worlds! I am the same way with adult connection – that was huge for me when I returned from leave. You’re right that there’s no “right” answer – and there’s good and bad for both.
“We just can’t win—and sadly, a lot of this judgment comes, not from men, but from other mothers!” <– spot on. And that's super sad 🙁 My mom worked through my entire childhood, and I think I turned out just fine. Did I wish my mom was around more often? Sometimes. But then sometimes I was happy to have a break from her 😆 I think that it's possible to make both situations work just fine. No need for judgment or guilt. Moms are just plain awesome.
Haha. Since my mom stayed at home with me till high school, sometimes I wish we’d had breaks from each other, too. 🙂
Love your last line. Moms are just plain awesome, but so are aunts, sisters, daughters, and non-moms <3
My mother stayed at home, but I really think she drove herself crazy for a while. After we were out of the house, she became a bit unbearable to be around and bitter that she never had her own thing. Luckily, she was able to buy a boutique so now she has that. I wish she had done this for herself earlier! A job would have been good for her and for us. I felt bad that she always had to be around. I support you fully! You need to do what your heart tells you and what keeps you sane 🙂
See, I feel like that’s what would happen to me if I weren’t working. But who knows?
That’s awesome that your mother found something for herself – her boutique – though. Thanks for the support! 🙂
THANK you for sharing on this Catherine. In a lot of ways, I feel like my mom is also a working mom, even though she doesn’t work at a job outside of the home, because she goes, goes, goes from morning till night. Every mom is such a gift to their children, and I’m so thankful that God gave me my mama to remind me of the gift of work and to see just what diligence looks like. <333 No judgement here. God knows how best you can love your family. <33 THANK you for serving them. <3
Thanks so much for your encouragement and kind words, Emily. It’s very true. Even though my mother didn’t work outside of the home until I was in high school, she did so much other work that I’m grateful for.