Today is Mark’s and my TENTH anniversary!

I honestly can’t believe we’ve been married this long. It seems like just a few years ago we’d met in college, and here were are with a 3 ½ year old child and a decade of “wedded bliss” behind us.

Similar to last year, I thought I’d share 10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Marriage.

AT OUR CORE, WE DON’T REALLY CHANGE MUCH

I was rummaging through some papers in our guest room last week, and I came across our notebooks from the “engaged encounter” we attended before being married in the Catholic Church. In it, we were prompted to answer questions and reflect on the lessons we’d discussed earlier in our sessions.

I couldn’t help but laugh at some of them (like being “afraid to reveal any kind of vulnerability” and “on occasion I feel you may think my anxieties or hurt feelings are trivial” for example) because we are EXACTLY like this now. It doesn’t mean we haven’t made sincere efforts to change or listen to each other better (we definitely have!), but it’s a good reminder that we loved—and still love—each other’s positive and not-so-positive traits.

THERE’S ONLY ONE TRUE WAY TO EAT A CHEESECAKE—STRAIGHT FROM THE PACKAGE WITH 2 FORKS AND ONE COUCH

This one’s self-explanatory, no?

TRAVEL AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BEFORE HAVING CHILDREN

Looking back, Mark and I have had many special trips together: our Vegas honeymoon, Disney World, Vegas 2.0 + Seattle, our Memphis “baby moon,” and our most recent trip to Philly. Still, there are so many places I wish we’d made time (and budgeted) for prior to having Luca. While Napa, Europe, NYC, and other places will have to wait a few years, the great thing is, we can experience travel as a family now—even if it means more local trips and less “adult-friendly” vacations.

SOMETIMES IT’S OK TO GO TO BED ANGRY

I feel like there is some understood “rule” that couples should never go to bed angry. While I try to work out any disagreements as soon as possible (I hate knowing somebody is angry at me!), sometimes I think it’s ok to “sleep on” hurt feelings, anger, or frustration in order to talk about things the next day with a clarity and distance from cheap punches and tendencies to react rather than carefully respond.

DON’T FORGET TO SAY “THANK YOU” (& LITTLE GESTURES MAKE THE BIGGEST IMPACTS)

Even though we share many household “chores,” there are certain things we each gravitate toward because we enjoy it or just do it better than the other. Cooking is one of those things Mark does 97% of, yet I still make a point to say “thank you” when he’s cooked dinner or made breakfast on the weekend. Simple gestures help each of us feel appreciated and important when it’s easy to feel stuck in a routine or as if you’re being taken for granted.

In a healthy marriage, little gestures make the biggest impact Share on X

SOMETIMES YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK AT ROMANCE

Maybe you guys have a fairy tale marriage and still function like newlyweds 5, 10, 15, 30+ years later, but, chances are, you’ve had a few challenges since you walked down the aisle.

For a while, it seemed like neither of us was very happy at work, and that translated to some bad moods and isolation from one another at home.

And then we had a kid! While Luca is the light of our lives and has brought out the best (and worst, at times) of us both, marriage is a struggle when you’re hormonal, running on 2 hour increments of sleep, and literally have no idea what you’re doing.

The great thing is, though, the romance is always there—you just have to encourage it. Regularly scheduled date nights, overnight trips sans kiddo, and making a few sacrifices here and there can help.

GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER’S “LOVE LANGUAGE” (& DON’T GET TOO FRUSTRATED WHEN THEY CONFLICT AT TIMES)

My love language is “quality time,” and since Mark deals with people all day and doesn’t get a lot of time to himself to unwind and relax, sometimes my need for conversation and 100% attention is a source of contention. I’ve learned that his need to have some “quiet” in the evenings isn’t a rejection of me, it’s simply something we have to compromise on.

On the other hand, his love language is “acts of service,” and while I often hate when people go out of the way to do things for me, I’ve learned to accept that taking care of things for me is how he shows love.

JUST ACCEPT THAT HE WILL NEVER GET RID OF HIS SCOOBY DOO SLIPPERS

So…Mark has these ridiculous (I mean, awesome!!) Scooby Doo slippers that he’s had to repair like half a dozen times. I make so much fun of them (they’re giant stuffed dogs for goodness sake!), but it’s just one of those things I accept. He will wear them until they are literally threads and random piles of stuffing. Plus, I have my mesh jogging pants that he despises, so I guess we’re even.

DON’T HIDE THE WORST PARTS YOU—THEY WILL EVENTUALLY COME OUT

Trust me. I’m so lucky that my husband works in the mental health field, otherwise, he may not have been as open, empathic, and accepting of some of my “crazy” and issues with anxiety. So, while it’s difficult to talk about things, it’s much better in the long run to just say what’s on your mind.

YOU SHOULDN’T NEED “PERMISSION” TO HAVE TIME ALONE, BUT SOMETIMES IT’S COURTEOUS TO “CHECK IN” OR ASK ANYWAY

Neither of us has any problem when the other wants to spend some time alone or go hang out with a friend—I think alone time is essential to creating a healthy marriage. Nevertheless, even though I know he wants me to go to the gym or catch up with a friend over coffee, if he’s had a particularly rough day, I’ll ask if he minds. Maybe part of this is guilt-induced or related to my issues with being my own “authority,” but honestly I just think it’s a kind and courteous thing to do to consider that he may have had a really rough day and would prefer having me home to help with Bazooka or dinner. Likewise, he will run things by me. Again, we fully trust each other and both need time to ourselves, but we just try to acknowledge other other’s needs when we can.

10 Lessons Learned During 10 Years of Marriage Share on X

So tell me…

• If you’re married, what’s an important lesson you’ve learned?
• If you’re single and planning to marry, what “wisdom” do you hope to bring to your relationship?