Last week I listened to an interview between Erin Bahadur (of Erin’s Inside Job) and Sarah Nicole Landry (of The Birds Papaya) as part of Erin’s inaugural Mental Health Summit.

Each interview that I heard was fantastic and informative (and, if you didn’t listen in real time, I believe you can still purchase the “all access pass” for lifetime access to the sessions), but something that Sarah Nicole said during her particular interview struck me deeply:

“You can’t hate yourself happy.”

Profound, right?

You Can’t Hate Yourself Happy

No matter what you weigh, how many qualifications or credentials are listed behind your name, or how much money you earn during a year, it matters how you treat yourself—because no amount of hate, self-loathing, and self-criticism is going to make you happy.

I think it’s safe to say that each and every one of us has dealt with critical self-talk and negative thinking about ourselves. It’s part of our culture, truthfully, because so many industries are centered on self-improvement and “finding our zen.”

And that’s completely legitimate and respectable. At our cores, we all want to be happy and fulfilled, so by default, the market and opportunities for betterment exist.

But somewhere between the valleys and the summits of our journeys, we fell. And we fell hard.

We forgot how to simply be curious, how to naturally know our limits, and how to differentiate between a “treat” and an “overindulgence,” and we adopted negativity, self-deprecation, and unreasonable limits as our criteria for self-improvement.

We gave so much of ourselves to our loved ones—and yet, we became cold, calculating, and critical toward ourselves. We forgot how to treat ourselves with compassion—and appreciate all of our perfectly human imperfections.

And so, we yo-yo dieted. We over-exercised. We isolated ourselves and self-medicated. We hopped from one bad relationship to another. And we abandoned entrepreneurial dreams.

We thought if we could nitpick, pinch, poke, deride, and outright abuse ourselves for having what we view as flaws and inadequacies, then we would reach a point where happiness would finally be ours—because all that made us unique, and, yes, imperfect, would have been shed away.

By now, hopefully, you know that doesn’t work.

But if you’re still trapped in that cycle of self-hatred, I need you to listen to something.

You are worthy—exactly as you are.

We may not be able to “hate ourselves happy,” but we can nurture ourselves happy.

We can be gentle when we fail, because there are always other opportunities.

We can forgive ourselves when we falter, because we can make a better decision tomorrow.

We can buy a new pair of jeans, because size 10 can take you to the same places size zero can.

We can rest when we are tired, because we can give more at 100% than at half-stamina.

And we can make strides to improve ourselves and actively pursue our values without tearing ourselves apart at every little mistake.

Happiness isn’t a destination. It is a byproduct of a journey well-traveled and an attitude of gratitude and kindness—toward others and ourselves.

Happiness isn't a destination--and you can't hate yourself happy Share on X

So tell me…

• How do you deal with negative self-talk?
• What does self-compassion mean to you?