In my attempts to become softer, I’m also working on being less reactive.

For years and years, I thought my quickness to anger (or become irritated) and my hypervigilance were deep, dark character flaws, and while they both are things I actively work toward (and sometimes fail at) controlling better, I’ve since learned they are probably due to my generalized anxiety.

Yes, they are parts of my personality, but they are not flaws. They don’t make me a terrible or hateful person, and they don’t mean that I am incapable of accomplishing certain things or overcoming my fears. They are simply traits that I sometimes have to keep in check.

Maybe it’s simply maturity—or having a mind so busy with work, household responsibilities, marriage, and parenting that I lack extra space—but I’ve noticed in some situations I’ve become better at controlling my reactions and not letting things get under my skin.

When I was younger, if you looked at me the wrong way, I’d become offended (I’m exaggerating slightly, but you get the picture).

Because I was insecure in my own skin, I felt like everything was a personal attack or criticism. That a simple instruction or question was the assumption that I was stupid or incapable.

I’ve struggled with this at work. 

I occasionally struggle with it in my marriage.

But I realized something the other day—and it led me to reflect on similar situations.

We can CHOOSE not to be offended by something!

It sounds like an obvious realization, but seriously: we don’t have to WASTE OUR ENERGY picking through every comment, inquiry, email, etc. for the bad stuff.

Of course I am not talking about fundamentally offensive things: racism, sexism, overtly discriminatory or baseless criticism. Those things should alarm us and spark action, though it’s our duty to respond (not just react) to them in a helpful and controlled way.

I don’t know about you, but I have only so much energy to give.

I have to devote time to my job duties. My relationships. My child’s nourishment, development, and psychological needs.

And then I carefully choose where to place my remaining energy: which news stories to follow, which creative outlets to cultivate, which ways to give back to the community, which methods of relaxation, and self-care to indulge in?

And that doesn’t leave much time for indignation—righteous or not.

So the next time you let out a sigh of exasperation as you turn to vent to your coworker, as yourself “is it worth my energy to be offended?”

Or the next time a nosey relative asks a slightly-too-personal question for the 87^th time, ask yourself “do I wish to carry this negative energy with me right now?”

Chances are, you’ll prefer to drop it. 

So yes, be aware of your feelings. If something shocks or offends you, acknowledge those feelings, but be careful when deciding whether to embrace or “move on” from those emotions. 

(I try to “move past” my negative emotions through mindful breathing or a quick, silent meditation. I’m careful not to shame myself for my feelings, but I make the choice to avoid dwelling on them if it will serve me better to move forward.)

Some things necessitate a response, but others are better left to be carried away by the wind. 

Besides, who wants to give so much power to outside forces anyway?

Here's a thought: what if we chose NOT to be offended? Share on X

So tell me…

• What is your strategy for moving past negative emotions when they are not serving you?
• Have you ever discovered yourself looking for the bad in a situation? How did you change your attitude?