Is it disrespectful if I call you that—Ruth? Or would you have preferred the more formal Justice Ginsburg?

Whichever name I call you—even Notorious RBG ☺—it’s said with the utmost respect, admiration, and countless other emotions I have yet been able to identify because they are so fresh.

These myriad feelings—they are still raw. They burn and ache at the touch, and I don’t think the wounds will heal any time soon.

But before I talk about this great loss—this 5-foot-one-inch giant hole left in our nation’s hope for the future—and how it’s making me feel, I want to address you first.

image: Ashley Longshore Paintings

I am sorry.

I am profusely sorry, ashamed, and disappointed in myself—in all of us—for putting far too much weight on your petite (but oh-so-strong) shoulders.

You deserved more.

You deserved to retire at a “youthful” old age. You deserved to live in peace, not burdened by the fear of having our democracy torn to shreds. You deserved to have sailed through the last few years of your life enjoying your family, reflecting on a revolutionary life and career, growing gracefully old with the hope of meeting your beloved Marty once again.

And yet…

You worked until your death—and it may hurt all of us.

Whether we collectively drove you to this unwavering commitment to justice over the last several painfully divisive and regressive years, or whether your persistence and love of work ultimately lead you to hold on to your crowning achievement until you no longer could, it doesn’t really make a difference.

We are here—at a turning point, and it’s our job to step up the game.

None of us—not even you—had the gift of foresight. We believed you could hang on—and we selfishly believed you owed us your longevity. We elevated you as a hero instead of a human being—and while your decades-long career has advanced justice and provided men and women alike with many of the things we take for granted—you were just one person made to carry too much.

You were not perfect, and for damn sure, our nation isn’t.

Which is why I am preparing for battle.

I am scared for our future. Really freaking scared.

I am sick to my stomach imagining the political cage fight about to engulf Washington and the national media.

I’m grieving, and fatigued, and still coming to grips with all the loss this past year has generated. 

But just as you found your throne in a career that slammed doors in the face of women and beat cancer time and again with quiet and unmatchable grace, so too will we.

You’ve passed the torch, and we must do whatever it takes to keep it ablaze.

Thank you, Justice Ginsburg, for all you gave us.

Let us learn from your mistakes, and let us carry your vision, passion, kindness, and commitment to equity and justice with us as we continue the race.

May peace be upon you and may your memory carry the knowledge of a life fully lived.